June 9 - The Worst Fall Yet

Kevin and I got back home late yesterday afternoon from a two-week driving trip together through Bavaria and Austria. It was such a wonderful trip and I'm so glad to have had that time with my son before we have to deal with so much reality. We had left Dick in good hands with several people watching over him. He had a fall the day after we left and had 8 stitches in his head. He was okay, though, and as usual, it didn't seem to really faze him.

I normally try to jump right back into a normal sleep schedule after a trip overseas, but last night I just couldn't do it and went to bed at 7. I woke up again about 1:30 but figured maybe I could nap again before morning. It wasn't in the cards. Fortunately, I was awake when the nursing home called at 4. Dick had fallen again and they had already sent him to the ER. I got there just in time to stop the CT scan and other stuff the doc there wanted to do. I always have to insist that such things not be done, because they would upset him, cost a lot of money, and make absolutely no difference to the outcome of this horror we are living. He needed 11 stitches this time. Apparently, there was a lot of blood everywhere, even more than the previous times. He was all cleaned up by the time I got to the hospital, except for his underwear which had blood, urine and feces all over them. Apparently, nobody had thought to put new ones on him, though they put him in a new hospital gown at least.

He is so much worse than he was 2 weeks ago when we left. Dena, our friend and helper, said she'd noticed some of the changes, too, but hadn't wanted to call me the last couple days because there wasn't anything I'd have been able to do about it. His eyes now go different directions from each other. The eyes have always been the weird thing, of course, and they wandered involuntarily, but they always wandered together before. He also could not say even one word to me. He tried a few times, but all that came out was a very faint garble that I couldn't figure out at all. He could nod his head yes or no, though, in answer to a question. He was so tired, but Dena says this has been getting this way the last few days so it wasn't a result of this fall. or of being tired

I don't know what to do. He is clearly beyond the ability of this nursing home to help him. I wonder if he can go into the hospice facility now, but I wonder how I can pay for that. Maybe medicare helps with that? I'm going to call hospice in a few minutes and see if we can meet today about him and figure out a new plan. If I bring him home, I can't afford full-time care for him, although maybe this is a job Kevin can do. I think our long-term care insurance will pay family members to do the work if they go through some sort of training first. Kevin, Dena and I could do shifts, with hospice helping out. I don't think he can do this much longer and it might be time for a new arrangement. I know my friends have talked me out of it before, but maybe it's different with Kevin home now for the summer. I think Dick is now beyond getting up to go to the bathroom and whether I can bring him home depends on whether he will agree to diapers so we can keep him clean. Hospice would send someone to bathe him and otherwise help us out.

I just feel so awful every time I leave him at the nursing home, knowing he is going to fall again and we are going to go through this nightmare again. I am also tired of fighting with the ambulance and ER's about bills. I can not believe how awful this has gotten.

Maybe I'm just tired and can think again later today.